Evaluating Intercultural Behaviour

Every first and fifteenth day of the month on the lunar calendar, it is customary for my family to burn joss-sticks and incense paper as offerings to my ancestors. This is a tradition of my religion, Taoism. Personally, I am not a staunch Taoist. I do not know much of the “Way of Tao” and I have just discovered that I know only 6 of the 38 major festivals in Taoism, according to this website. As far as I am concerned, I do exactly what my parents tell me to.

I do not like the smell that joss-sticks emanate; somehow the gases emitted from smoldering joss-sticks sting my eyes. Moreover, I hate the fact that some irresponsible people simply burn incense paper and offerings on the pavement, damaging public property. The government has designated metallic containers at the void decks for people to burn incense paper but most of those who refuse to burn offerings in a common container argue that “their ancestors will not be able to receive the offerings”. I do not question their beliefs but my take is that any orthodox religion teaches people to be non-destructive and to be socially responsible.

For my family, we burn incense paper in a metal tin (25cm by 25cm by 35cm) along the corridor. Having lived in the same HDB unit for more than 20 years, we have never received any complaints from our neighbours with regards to burning offerings along the corridor until a year ago.

One particular morning, my neighbour, a middle-aged lady, decided to confront my father. While the latter was offering joss-sticks, she approached him, interrupted the ritual and commented that the smoke has been making her home very sooty and that it is illegal to burn incense paper along the corridor. My father is a calm person, one who is not easily intimidated by threats. He ignored her remarks temporarily, completed the ritual, then replied coldly, “Go HDB to make a complaint,” and he proceeded to burn the offerings.

My father insisted on ignoring the threat, while my mother decided that, in future, she will bring the metal tin to the void deck when burning offerings. Apparently, my neighbour did not make the complaint, as we have yet to receive any warning letters from the HDB. If I were in my neighbour’s shoes, considering my dislike for smoke, soot and vapours from joss-sticks, I would definitely lodge a complaint.

Upon closer examination, I find that this conflict is not purely intercultural. If it is, all my former neighbours who are not Taoists should have complained. However, this is the first time in twenty years that a neighbour has ever complained. So it would probably suggest that my family did not have a good relationship with my current neighbour and this is merely an outlet for them to vent their frustration. Nonetheless, there exists a conflict of interest which is intercultural, as by burning incense paper along the corridor at our convenience, we have been indirectly dirtying the neighbouring apartments.

Personal Statement - Defying the Odds (edited)

Possessing an adventurous spirit and love for the outdoors, I joined the Outdoor Activities Club (OAC) in National Junior College. Having 4 years of experience as a Quartermaster in the scouts’ troop of my secondary school, I was appointed as the Quartermaster in OAC to be in charge of the logistics and camp craft training.

As the school was undergoing a restructuring process, it was announced that clubs and societies that did not win in competitions would be closed down and OAC was one of them. I was disappointed but I understood the school’s rationale. It became apparent that there was only one solution: Join and win some competitions. Odds were against us, as our seniors in OAC had never taken part in any competitions. Moreover, most of the people within the executive committee saw little hope and thought that any effort would be futile.

However, I believed in defying the odds and within the short span of 2 years, I participated in several competitions organized by the local universities and achieved results that were previously unheard of in OAC. For instance, In 2002, I led a team of three and won the second prize in the Adventure Jamboree organized by Nanyang Technological University (NTU). In 2003, I led another team and won the first prize in the Urban Escape Ubin Challenge organized by Singapore Management University (SMU). Not only did these achievements prevent the closure of a club, they encouraged future members of the club to actively participate in more of such competitions.

When I received an invitation to the Speech Day in 2004 for an award, in appreciation of my contributions to the club, little did I know that this award is typically given to either the president or the vice-president of the club. I found out later that the teacher-in-charge evaluated my contributions and decided to make an exception to give the award to me despite the fact that I am not the president of the club. This meant a lot to me as it proved that so long as I devote wholeheartedly to a cause, I will be able to defy the odds, achieve the goal and eventually be recognized for it. I strongly believe that with this positive attitude, I will certainly be an asset to your organization.

<<< edited on 16/04/09 3:50pm >>>

Resolving Interpersonal Conflict

The following video, pieced together from Gossip Girl Season 2 Episode 5, is for educational purposes only.


Click here if the above fails to load.

In order to achieve her goal to become a fashion designer, Jenny lied to her father to work in a renowned fashion design firm. Previously, she told him that she is required to work in a design firm after school hours, as part of her coursework in school.

When Rufus (Jenny’s father) found out the truth that his daughter had been playing truant to work in a fashion design company, he demanded that she quit her job immediately. The following day, Jenny explains how she managed to keep up with her school work and expressed her desire to help out in the fashion show on that particular day. However, her father did not pay much attention to her. To make matters worse, he scheduled an appointment for her to meet the headmistress of the school (on a Saturday) to prove to the latter why she should not be expelled.

After meeting with the headmistress, Jenny went to help out in the fashion show. When the event ended, she ran into her father. He threatened to suspend her privileges and told her that she is not allowed to choose what she wants to do until she has completed school. Jenny then made a remark that she told the headmistress that she won’t be going back to school.

As I analyze this hypothetical conflict, I realize that Jenny is quite obedient as she did not argue with her father right from the start. On the other hand, if we pay close attention to Rufus’ speech, he spoke with a commanding tone and used authoritative phrases like “…get up and come with me, without another word”, “I don’t care” and “Why would I believe anything you say?”

Instead of solving the problem, this approach worsened the situation. Towards the end of the video, Jenny argued with her father and challenged him when he threatened to suspend her privileges. In addition, she became adamant about her decision in not attending school.

It is critical to note that Jenny’s act in lying to her father is merely a symptom of the problem. Quoting Zig Ziglar (motivation speaker), “Every obnoxious act is a cry for help”, what Rufus did was to stop the “obnoxious act” but he failed to recognize his daughter’s “cry for help”.

Rufus could have asked the following questions:

What did I do or not do such that my daughter chose not to tell me truthfully that she wants to work in a fashion design firm?

What is my daughter’s impression of me?

What are the consequences that my daughter imagined if she had told me about her intentions to quit school to work? How can I change this?

What can I do about the current situation? Will the root cause of the problem be solved without compromising our present relationship?

The above questions will enable him to recognize the high power-distance between him and his daughter. Jenny perceived her father as a figure of authority which she has little or no right to question. This created a huge barrier which prohibited communication and when this problem develops beyond a certain limit, the party with less power will take actions to equalize this inequality in power. This problem is likely to be caused by the parent not showing care and concern for his child. If he had been showing the necessary care and concern to his daughter, then she would have not seen him as an unreasonable adult who expresses little interest in her passions.

Additionally, he should seek a solution that solves the main problem and not just the symptom of the problem. It is also important to bear in mind that a true solution which resolves a conflict should not just restore the relationship but also enhance the relationship between the parties involved.

Communication without Words

In the second lesson for the week, there was an interesting question posed to the class:


“Is it possible for us to NOT communicate with someone that we know?”


Some fellow classmates nodded and said, “yes” and substantiated with the fact that they do not chat with some friends in their Friendster or Facebook account. In fact, even the teacher agreed to that until I decided to raise my point.


In my opinion, in choosing not to talk to someone, one is actually ignoring the person and hence communicating non-verbally to the person that he or she is not that important to him or her.


This brings me to the topic for the first blog post: Why are effective communication skills so important to me?


From the above example, we can see that regardless of what we do, we are ALWAYS communicating. Therefore, it is important that we are conscious about how we are getting the message across and how the recipient interprets the message to avoid misinterpreting a message which is well-intended to begin with.


The knowledge of effective communication skills can also be applied to situations where there maybe little or no verbal communication. I have been dancing salsa regularly for more than 3 years and I have developed a certain level of proficiency in this dance. Believe it or not, effective communication skills are critical to making a dance memorable.


In a dance, there is little or no verbal communication but there is a lot of non-verbal communication, which can be extremely subtle. For example, when dancing with beginners, I have noticed that they tend to look down, indicating lack of confidence. I will then respond by executing moves which are less complicated so that it will be easier for the girl to follow. On the other hand, while executing advanced moves, I will pay more attention to the lady’s facial expressions to look out for frowns and grimaces which will then indicate to me whether I am leading her correctly.


In the dance, the girl unconsciously communicates her feelings and thoughts through her body language. However, if intended recipient (i.e. the guy dancing with her) of this message fails to decode and respond accordingly then it would result in a not-so-pleasant dance. I have to admit to the fact that for the first of the 3 years in salsa, I failed miserably in interpreting body language. One particular night at a social dance club, my instructor pulled me to a corner and said to me:

“You are too focused on the moves, so much so that you are blind to the feelings of the lady that you are dancing with.”

He then decided to gave me a crash course on “Understanding Body Language During a Dance”. For the next thirty minutes, he illustrated his point by pointing to dancers on the dance floor and explained to me the lady's feelings and how the guy is responding. He patiently repeated the process for many couples and showed me how this form of communication differs for advance dancers. It seems bizarre and magical to me that such a form of communication exists and at that point in time I did not quite take him seriously. Nonetheless, out of respect, I did what my instructor told me and paid more attention to the ladies’ expressions while dancing. It took me a few months before I could fully appreciate this subtle but important form of communication.


Over the years, I have acquired an acute sense for negative emotions. This has helped me develop to become a better dancer, as I would ask the lady whom I was dancing with for feedback and ways to improve. Therefore, the ability to interpret body language is a undoubtedly an effective communication skill that I value a lot and hope to learn more about it.

Just for Fun!

I am not too sure if anyone is as bored as me to discover the following:

In the course's URL, if you were to click on the schedule tab, there is a hidden link within the page that will lead you to the following page:


Click here to view image in full size

See if you can find it!