Resolving Interpersonal Conflict

The following video, pieced together from Gossip Girl Season 2 Episode 5, is for educational purposes only.


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In order to achieve her goal to become a fashion designer, Jenny lied to her father to work in a renowned fashion design firm. Previously, she told him that she is required to work in a design firm after school hours, as part of her coursework in school.

When Rufus (Jenny’s father) found out the truth that his daughter had been playing truant to work in a fashion design company, he demanded that she quit her job immediately. The following day, Jenny explains how she managed to keep up with her school work and expressed her desire to help out in the fashion show on that particular day. However, her father did not pay much attention to her. To make matters worse, he scheduled an appointment for her to meet the headmistress of the school (on a Saturday) to prove to the latter why she should not be expelled.

After meeting with the headmistress, Jenny went to help out in the fashion show. When the event ended, she ran into her father. He threatened to suspend her privileges and told her that she is not allowed to choose what she wants to do until she has completed school. Jenny then made a remark that she told the headmistress that she won’t be going back to school.

As I analyze this hypothetical conflict, I realize that Jenny is quite obedient as she did not argue with her father right from the start. On the other hand, if we pay close attention to Rufus’ speech, he spoke with a commanding tone and used authoritative phrases like “…get up and come with me, without another word”, “I don’t care” and “Why would I believe anything you say?”

Instead of solving the problem, this approach worsened the situation. Towards the end of the video, Jenny argued with her father and challenged him when he threatened to suspend her privileges. In addition, she became adamant about her decision in not attending school.

It is critical to note that Jenny’s act in lying to her father is merely a symptom of the problem. Quoting Zig Ziglar (motivation speaker), “Every obnoxious act is a cry for help”, what Rufus did was to stop the “obnoxious act” but he failed to recognize his daughter’s “cry for help”.

Rufus could have asked the following questions:

What did I do or not do such that my daughter chose not to tell me truthfully that she wants to work in a fashion design firm?

What is my daughter’s impression of me?

What are the consequences that my daughter imagined if she had told me about her intentions to quit school to work? How can I change this?

What can I do about the current situation? Will the root cause of the problem be solved without compromising our present relationship?

The above questions will enable him to recognize the high power-distance between him and his daughter. Jenny perceived her father as a figure of authority which she has little or no right to question. This created a huge barrier which prohibited communication and when this problem develops beyond a certain limit, the party with less power will take actions to equalize this inequality in power. This problem is likely to be caused by the parent not showing care and concern for his child. If he had been showing the necessary care and concern to his daughter, then she would have not seen him as an unreasonable adult who expresses little interest in her passions.

Additionally, he should seek a solution that solves the main problem and not just the symptom of the problem. It is also important to bear in mind that a true solution which resolves a conflict should not just restore the relationship but also enhance the relationship between the parties involved.

Communication without Words

In the second lesson for the week, there was an interesting question posed to the class:


“Is it possible for us to NOT communicate with someone that we know?”


Some fellow classmates nodded and said, “yes” and substantiated with the fact that they do not chat with some friends in their Friendster or Facebook account. In fact, even the teacher agreed to that until I decided to raise my point.


In my opinion, in choosing not to talk to someone, one is actually ignoring the person and hence communicating non-verbally to the person that he or she is not that important to him or her.


This brings me to the topic for the first blog post: Why are effective communication skills so important to me?


From the above example, we can see that regardless of what we do, we are ALWAYS communicating. Therefore, it is important that we are conscious about how we are getting the message across and how the recipient interprets the message to avoid misinterpreting a message which is well-intended to begin with.


The knowledge of effective communication skills can also be applied to situations where there maybe little or no verbal communication. I have been dancing salsa regularly for more than 3 years and I have developed a certain level of proficiency in this dance. Believe it or not, effective communication skills are critical to making a dance memorable.


In a dance, there is little or no verbal communication but there is a lot of non-verbal communication, which can be extremely subtle. For example, when dancing with beginners, I have noticed that they tend to look down, indicating lack of confidence. I will then respond by executing moves which are less complicated so that it will be easier for the girl to follow. On the other hand, while executing advanced moves, I will pay more attention to the lady’s facial expressions to look out for frowns and grimaces which will then indicate to me whether I am leading her correctly.


In the dance, the girl unconsciously communicates her feelings and thoughts through her body language. However, if intended recipient (i.e. the guy dancing with her) of this message fails to decode and respond accordingly then it would result in a not-so-pleasant dance. I have to admit to the fact that for the first of the 3 years in salsa, I failed miserably in interpreting body language. One particular night at a social dance club, my instructor pulled me to a corner and said to me:

“You are too focused on the moves, so much so that you are blind to the feelings of the lady that you are dancing with.”

He then decided to gave me a crash course on “Understanding Body Language During a Dance”. For the next thirty minutes, he illustrated his point by pointing to dancers on the dance floor and explained to me the lady's feelings and how the guy is responding. He patiently repeated the process for many couples and showed me how this form of communication differs for advance dancers. It seems bizarre and magical to me that such a form of communication exists and at that point in time I did not quite take him seriously. Nonetheless, out of respect, I did what my instructor told me and paid more attention to the ladies’ expressions while dancing. It took me a few months before I could fully appreciate this subtle but important form of communication.


Over the years, I have acquired an acute sense for negative emotions. This has helped me develop to become a better dancer, as I would ask the lady whom I was dancing with for feedback and ways to improve. Therefore, the ability to interpret body language is a undoubtedly an effective communication skill that I value a lot and hope to learn more about it.

Just for Fun!

I am not too sure if anyone is as bored as me to discover the following:

In the course's URL, if you were to click on the schedule tab, there is a hidden link within the page that will lead you to the following page:


Click here to view image in full size

See if you can find it!